For some reason, it’s always changing.
My idea of happiness.
Younger me knows it’s tied to success and accomplishment.
Older me knows it’s tied to self-worth and utter appreciation for the present moment.
But me, right here, right now, struggles to bridge the gap between the two.
I question why.
A dedication to saving and sacrificing for a life that may never come.
A life that, if it finally ever arrived, would be wasted due to my inability to be present.
Yet I can’t comprehend the alternative.
The alternative?
Living fully, passionately, away from fluorescent lighting, screens and small talk.
A life full of internal value, but void of monetary value.
I am free enough to choose that, yet I still don’t.
Monetary value…
Why is so much of my life tied to this?
A necessity, yes.
A crux, definitely.
Sometimes I ask myself what I would do if I won 10 million dollars.
And the answer is always the same… I don’t know.
What could I buy that would bring me happiness?
Coming home and seeing my dog overcome with excitement to see me doesn’t cost me anything.
Walking through nature whilst it’s sprinkling rain doesn’t cost me anything.
Listening to The Cranberries, The Strokes, Dominic Fike & Fontaines D.C. doesn’t cost me anything.
But that’s what brings me happiness.
So then, what am I working towards?
Can I work towards happiness?
Or, by chasing it, am I actually working away from it?
William Irvine says “the trick is to learn how to want the things you already have.”
I know that’s true.
But knowing doesn’t make it any less difficult.
We live in the greatest time in human history.
We have everything we could ever want.
But diseases these days seem largely to be diseases of abundance.
Not diseases of scarcity.
Maybe we have too much.
Want too much.
More money.
More things.
More status.
Always more.
Never enough.
And hey, maybe those are the precursor to happiness for some.
But I don’t think true happiness can exist without fulfilment.
The feeling that we are valuable and are providing value to those around us.
Money, things and status are what most believe will make them valuable.
Maybe they’re right.
But I think the answer is never in the chase.
The answer is usually already with us.
Even though chasing external answers seems much more appealing than digging internally.
Because if I believe the answers are in the chase, then that gives me an excuse for not having them now, right?
Then I can delay happiness from today, to ‘one day’.
Even though I know one day doesn’t exist.
David Deida says, “it’s never going to be over, so stop waiting for the good stuff.”
I can set all the goals I like.
But goals and success have no real endpoint.
The endpoint is only one of my own perception.
The rewards are only rewards of my own perception.
They are not tied to anything of intrinsic value.
They just make the chase seem a bit more exciting.
But I guess all of this was a roundabout way to say…
I think I am happy.
Because I think true happiness is accompanied by times of feeling like crap.
Acknowledging this may be the first step.
If you don’t feel the lows, you won’t recognise the highs.
Sorry for rambling.
Memento mori.
