So you just want to be happy, huh?
Well… you should know that’s a pretty big ask.
Not because it’s impossible, but because happiness usually requires a lot more work than people are willing to put in.
You might be wondering why you’d take happiness advice from a 28-year-old boy you’ve never met on the internet; the same boy who wrote in an article a few weeks ago that he’s ‘hated most of his 20s’.
And you’d have a very valid point.
But that same 28-year-old boy has come to a point in his life where he can seemingly attain happiness and fulfilment if he really wants it.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an overnight decision where I can just decide to be happy.
No – it takes a hell of a lot of concerted and consistent effort, effort that I wasn’t really willing to put in over the past decade.
But I think I’ve found a roadmap to happiness (of sorts) and it was all laid out in a quote I stumbled across a few years ago.
The Secret to Happiness
“What do we need? The truth: not much. Some food and water. Work that we can challenge ourselves with. A calm mind in the midst of adversity. Sleep. A solid routine. A cause we are committed to. Something we’re getting better at. Everything else is extra. Or worse… the source of our painful downfall.”
Ryan Holiday – Discipline is Destiny
I’ve shared this quote on my blog a few times, but I’ve never really told you just how much it’s changed my life (and how much it will change yours too if you adhere to it).
Since first discovering it in Ryan Holiday’s book, I’ve reviewed this quote every time my happiness/fulfilment levels fluctuate significantly.
I know that’s probably a bit weird, but it’s almost like having validation for either my happiness or my discontent.
When I’m feeling like I actually matter in this world and am making a difference, I can see exactly why.
When I feel like I’m a bit useless and nothing seems to excite me, I can see that too.
I understand that this quote might leave out things like connection with family and friends, a loving partner etc. but I truly believe it’s the roadmap to being happy within yourself, as yourself (which is the precursor to the other stuff).
I’ve spent the last few years slowly integrating things from each of these categories into my life – testing and tweaking them over time.
Now I want to tell you why each one matters, and how they all work together to bring happiness and fulfilment into your life.
Finding Work That Makes You Feel Alive
I’m going to skip food and water, because I’m assuming if you have access to this article, then you have access to basic survival needs.
Finding work that challenges me is probably the thing that’s had the single biggest impact on my happiness levels over the past couple of years.
You won’t realise how powerful good work can be until you experience a state of flow whilst doing said work.
Flow is the state of being so deeply immersed in what you’re doing that time blurs, distractions vanish, and all that exists is the work in front of you.
It feels incredible, but you’ll only experience this if you’re working on something you actually care about.
“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times… the best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – Flow
This is why I said in the introduction that happiness is not easy and that it takes concerted effort.
Do you think it’s easy to voluntarily choose to enter the flow state and stretch your mind?
Hell no.
Even though you know the feeling that you’re about to feel, you still don’t want to jump the mental hurdle of actually starting.
I experience this state of flow almost every time I write an article for my blog, but there are so many times when I don’t even want to start.
For you, this state of flow might not come from creating, but doing – fixing, building, moving – anything that pulls you in deep enough to forget about everything else.
Finding meaningful work does not mean finding meaningful work that pays good money (at least not right away).
This belief is why so many people will never experience flow.
I have a 9-5 outside of this blog that funds my life, but these few hours I spend on the weekend writing is what makes me truly feel alive.
This is when I feel like I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing.
Find the thing that makes you feel that way and give yourself permission to go all in – I guarantee it will change your life.
The Power Of A Calm Mind
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it.”
Marcus Aurelius
I am not going to lie and say I have a calm mind all the time, because I really don’t.
Being content and happy when things in your life are going well is one thing, but staying calm and upbeat when sh*t hits the fan is something else entirely.
This is one of those things where, when I’m feeling like crap and reflect on this quote, it’s painfully clear why I feel like crap – because I’m struggling to handle my emotions.
I am certainly better at this than I used to be though, and a huge reason behind that is realising the important role perceptions play in… well, pretty much everything.
I used to think things happened for a reason, so I’d always scramble to justify an event or happening.
Now, I believe things just happen because they happen.
A natural disaster happens because a natural disaster happens.
A person says something because a person decides to say something.
I’m not happy because I’m not putting in the necessary work that it takes to be happy.
It’s in our human nature to perceive these things as a blight on us, as if we’re being singled out by the universe.
But really the only thing effecting our emotions is how we choose to react.
Nothing that happens to you is because the world is out to get you, and realising you have full control over the way you respond is quite powerful.
Yes, I still struggle to do this.
But having dealt with crappy feelings over and over, I’ve started to notice a pattern – no matter how much life fluctuates, it always returns to baseline.
The highs fade and the lows pass, and what you’re left with is whatever foundation you’ve built for yourself.
I highly recommend reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (the Gregory Hays translation), which talks a lot about perceptions and the power we have over our inner world.
Building A Solid Routine
This is your foundation.
None of the good stuff we’ve already talked about can come without sleep and a solid routine.
A routine built from things that you know are good for you – exercise, nutritious food, morning light, time spent in nature, meaningful work and meaningful rest.
Without a good routine filled with things that nourish your mind and body, you’ll find it so much more difficult to get through the crappy days.
The earlier you build these habits in life, the longer you get to reap the rewards from them.
Finding Happiness Through Purpose
There’s something grounding about putting your energy into something bigger than yourself.
I have a lot of middle-aged women that read my blog (I see you ladies) and I’m sure this is a category where you all shine.
Having a family, teaching, mentoring, caring – that’s a damn good cause to be committed to.
I would say this is an area of life where I probably have the least amount of experience.
I’ve spent a lot of my energy over the past few years focused on personal growth, creativity and figuring myself out.
Whilst that’s been incredibly valuable (and necessary), it’s also been quite selfish.
Fulfilment and happiness often comes from contribution and feeling connected to something much bigger than yourself.
This quote helped me identify something I’ve been missing.
I’m not going to force it, because I don’t think something like that can be forced, but I know I’d be more fulfilled if I was part of something bigger.
Not for validation, but for meaning.
For now, a cause I’m committed to is being as transparent and (hopefully) as helpful as possible through my writing and words to you.
Finding Something To Get Better At
“The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice.”
Brian Herbert
Most people stop learning the day they graduate from school or college.
As soon as the external pressure of grades and deadlines disappear, so does their curiosity.
I felt this hard.
A few years ago I could literally feel myself getting dumber.
I wasn’t exposing myself to new information, I wasn’t learning anything new, I was comfortable consuming the same stuff and thinking the same thoughts.
That was until I realised that learning something new or getting better at something stretches a part of the brain that needs to be stretched if you want to feel happy.
We usually avoid this because we absolutely hate positioning ourselves as the beginner.
Steve Jobs used to say “stay hungry, stay foolish,” and this is exactly the mindset you need to have when learning.
The bad news is that yeah, it’s uncomfortable, and it feels awkward, and people will probably look at you funny.
The good news is that you can choose to learn or get better at absolutely anything you want.
An instrument, a language, a physical skill, a creative craft – anything.
They will all stretch the part of your brain that’s craving a challenge.
This, again, is why I love writing.
Topics like this require me think deeply, to really push my mind and connect the dots.
Though, if I’m being 100% honest with you, I think doing this for the past year and a half has made this feeling somewhat comfortable.
It doesn’t scare me as much anymore, and maybe that’s a sign I need a new challenge.
Either way… find something you want to get better at and commit yourself to it!
Avoiding Diseases of Abundance
“Everything else is extra. Or worse… the source of our painful downfall.”
What’s so magical about this quote is that the good stuff, the stuff that requires hard work and consistency, is sandwiched in between two extremes.
Survival – food and water.
And excess – literally everything the modern world has given us.
Naval Ravikant says most “modern diseases are diseases of abundance, not scarcity.”
We’re physically unhealthy because of the overeating.
We struggle to find things we truly enjoy because we’re overstimulated.
We’re unable to commit to meaningful work because we’re constantly distracted from the scrolling and barrage of cheap dopamine.
Unhappiness (for the developed world) is not caused by scarcity anymore, it’s caused by our inability to deal with excess.
To lock in and do the things you know will make you happy requires you to build the capacity to delay gratification, stay focused amid distraction, and say no to the constant temptations.
This has never been harder to do, and that’s why hardly anyone does it.
This, right here, is why it’s so hard to be happy.
Because happiness is on the other side of these temptations and distractions.
I’m not saying this to promote grinding and hustling (because you know I hate that), I’m saying it because it’s true.
Life really is better with less, in almost every aspect.
Some Closing Thoughts
I think another important precursor to happiness is low expectations.
When you don’t expect much from the world or people around you, you all of a sudden allow yourself to be content with less.
That mindset should be the first step.
What comes next is everything we talked about above – some of which you may find easy, and some of it much harder.
I don’t think it’s fair to see happiness as something everyone should just have.
It’s not our default setting, and if you feel that it should be, then I can almost guarantee you won’t find it (speaking from experience).
I also think it’s bullsh*t when people say you can just ‘choose happiness’.
If that was true, then you wouldn’t be this deep in the article.
What you can choose is to do the things that give happiness a chance to show up.
So… over the next year, do what you can to align every aspect of your life to that quote.
Find meaningful work, take note of your perceptions and emotions in tough situations, build healthy habits and a solid routine, commit yourself to a cause, learn new things and practice new skills – and avoid the excess that has been dragging you down all this time.
And whilst you’re doing all of that, keep your expectations low.
It’ll be hard, but you already know by now that happiness doesn’t come easy.
Good luck, my friend.
