People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.
And believe me when I tell you, there is so much power that comes from knowing this.
Our sense of importance in this world is often overestimated, as is the importance we attach to our sense of self.
Most of the time we grasp onto this sense of self so damn tight, that even a minor change to our lifestyle or persona seems monumental.
I’m telling you, no one at the grocery store is noticing your new shoes, Jack.
So many of our decisions are shaped by past actions, past beliefs, and our current perception of what others are thinking about us — that’s what makes up our sense of self.
But we’re actually pretty dumb (which is good in this instance).
The person we think we are in the eyes of others is almost definitely not the same person that they see.
I’m a loser to some.
I’m pretty cool to others.
And most don’t even care about my existence.
That’s liberating as hell!!
The Importance of Sonder
I want to introduce you to a word that changed my life: sonder.
Sonder is the realisation that every person you pass on the street is living a life as unique and complex as your own, despite your lack of awareness of the fact.
Unique experiences, unique thoughts, unique perceptions — things you can’t even begin to imagine.
And this realisation of sonder is why you cannot grasp how someone could possibly have a different view of something to you.
How could they possibly vote for that political party?
How could they possibly have that style and wear those clothes, listen to that music and find that person attractive?
Sonder.
Through no choice of their own, but rather what they’ve been exposed to.
And these truly unique perceptions means this person will see you through a completely different lens.
A lens that you can’t possibly account for when defining your own self-image.
The way you see yourself is totally different from the way others see you.
And the way you actually are is totally different again from both of those views.
A person that likes you, and a person that hates you may both have been exposed to the exact same version of you, but what differentiates their opinion is sonder.
Exhausting, but again, liberating.
And something you cannot change, no matter how hard you try.
Recreate Yourself The Right Way
So why is this a good thing?
Because it gives us the freedom to do whatever the hell we want to do, and be whoever the hell we want to be.
Law #25 in Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws Of Power is ‘Recreate Yourself’.
This law emphasises the necessity of taking control of your identity and the narrative around you.
It’s about refusing to be confined by societal roles, expectations, or past failures and instead actively constructing an image or identity that aligns with your goals and aspirations.
And whilst I don’t necessarily agree that it’s possible to control the narrative around yourself, because of sonder, I think doing things that aligns with the person you want to be is so powerful.
Deliberate actions to align your appearance, behaviour, and accomplishments with the identity you wish to project, no matter how small, is the essence of a damn good life.
If you want to be a writer, write.
If people think you’re a crap writer, that’s okay!!
When you’re doing things you actually want to do, and saying things you truly mean, you’re exposing yourself to the freedom that is being disliked.
“If you are disliked by someone, it is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”
Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishim – The Courage To Be Disliked
That’s the proof you’re after.
Because if you believe in sonder, which I hope you do by now, then it’s only natural for some people, through their own experiences and perceptions, to dislike someone for being their true selves, right?
Become The Beginner Again
“When you’re in your 20s, you care about what everyone thinks. When you’re in your 40s, you stop caring what everyone thinks. And when you’re in your 60s, you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”
Winston Churchill
Even when you know people aren’t thinking about you, it can be still hard to actually do the things you truly want to do.
Trying new things and positioning yourself as the beginner again is embarrassing and uncomfortable, it’s true.
And maybe no blog post, YouTube video or inspirational quote will ever make this easier (it probably won’t).
But if it’s any consolation, literally everyone else feels like this – including me, basically all the time.
So, I’ll leave you with this.
“Enter their minds, and you’ll find the judges you’re so afraid of — and how judiciously they judge themselves,” says Marcus Aurelius in Meditations.
We’re all gonna’ be dust soon.
Perhaps tomorrow, who knows.
