Dear reader,
Sometimes I struggle to tell you how to live a good life.
Partly because it’s hard.
Partly because I’m still working out how to do it myself.
I do, however, know how to live a crappy life.
May I indulge you?
1. Distract Yourself Whenever You’re Alone
You’ve heard that most of the world’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit in a room alone…
But that’s because it’s boring!
Solitude and self-reflection?
Ugh.
When you’re alone, make sure to distract yourself by any means necessary.
Gaming, p*rn, social media – all the good stuff.
If you keep those dopamine levels sky-high, you’ll offset the boredom.
It’s science.
As long as you have input going in, your brain won’t have enough time to think about anything meaningful.
Which means those deep, uncomfortable thoughts will stay buried.
Phew.
2. Eat What Everyone Else Eats
If you’re young, even better!
Eating like crap won’t catch up with you until later in life anyway.
A few tips for your next grocery shop:
Make sure to buy the cheapest meat possible – it doesn’t matter how sick the cow was when it was killed – meat’s meat!
Make sure most of your calories come from things in a packet.
Vegetables are expensive, just skip them for now.
And if you decide that your health actually matters, for whatever reason, become a diet zealot!
Join the keto, paleo or carnivore (whatever diet you choose) groups on the internet and argue with strangers from around the world.
The next tip will really help with that.
3. Hold Disdain For Those Who Have Different Opinions To You
After all, they’re wrong.
Never consider that you might have been given the wrong information.
Keep your mind closed and do everything you can to avoid seeing things from another perspective.
Changing your beliefs is difficult and uncomfortable – you don’t want to do that.
Want to take it a step further?
Get into politics.
Spread some hate.
Maybe start a cheeky war?
Now that’s pretty cool.
4. Refuse To Become A Beginner Again
Looking like a beginner is for kids.
As you age, the time and effort required to master a new skill increase significantly.
Use this to your advantage – don’t try new sh*t!
Avoid venturing into unfamiliar territory and making yourself uncomfortable.
Everyone knows all the good stuff happens inside your little bubble.
Stay there.
5. Disregard Your Intuition
Only make a decision with concrete evidence and facts.
Never do something just because it feels right.
Remember, the world has been set up in a way to benefit you.
University, your 9-5, your mortgage, your beautiful kids – the plan is already there.
Got a gut feeling telling you to avoid this plan?
Well, it’s probably wrong.
Most people who follow this plan are happy.
Can’t you see their beaming smiles when they come into the office in the morning?
Keep those burning desires buried.
And never ever quit your job on a whim to travel the world.
Career breaks are frowned upon on your resume, you know?
6. Spend Your Time on Superficial Relationships
What’s better than a person who adds nothing to your life?
A person who sucks a bit of a joy out of it.
It would be way too uncomfortable to tell them you don’t want to hang out after knowing them for almost a decade.
After all, you’ve known them since school!
So, suck it up.
Keep taking on their problems and acting like you care.
That’s what real friends do.
7. Neglect Your Passions
Keep telling yourself that passion doesn’t pay.
Your love for plants, knitting, and music – just pipe dreams in a world that demands structure.
Never mind the fact that you can turn practically any hobby into a pay check on the internet these days.
But then you’d have to start posting online to your 2 followers.
Yuck.
You’d be ridiculed by those high school friends who you don’t even like.
None of the big creators in your niche had to go through this uncomfortable stage.
Why should you?
8. Watch The News
Can you think of a better way to start your day than by catching up on all the worst things that have happened in the world overnight?
I certainly can’t.
I mean, there’s nothing quite like taking on the problems of people you never even knew existed five minutes ago.
Sometimes it’s nice to have proof that the world is messed up.
Because then you’ve got a reason for feeling like crap every day.
Just make sure you don’t miss the cute puppy story in between the war and deaths.
9. Never Think About Your Death
Speaking of death, you should never think about yours.
Plus, you won’t have to worry about it for another 40+ years anyway.
Live every day like you’ve got another 15,000 guaranteed.
This tip is a great one to help you stay in that bubble we mentioned earlier.
There’s no need to push yourself and try new things now.
You have plenty of time for that.
10. Obsess Over What Others Think
Make sure your self-worth is tied to the opinions others have of you.
Dull your personality to fit in around some.
Expand it disingenuously to play up to others.
Spend your time curating a life that looks amazing to strangers on the internet, even if it means missing out on actually living it.
Take on every opinion of you.
Particularly the harsh ones.
Ruminate on them and don’t use them as a reason to focus solely on building self-respect instead.
And that, dear reader, is how to live a crappy life.
